Voice of the White House

July 24, 2014

Washington, D.C.:
Given the grotesque international news, may I postulate a possible scenario for the very near future? The United States, balked in their territorial and political adventures in the Ukraine, are now turning their eager eyes towards the oil-rich Arctic, like the Crimea, mostly occupied by Russians. Determined to terrify that country, Washington has been pressuring Canada to allow a massive influx of American military personnel to occupy yet-to-be-built Arctic-fronting bases. At the height of diplomatic dung-tossing, some joker cranks up a five foot wingspan RC high-wing monoplane he has painted jet black and sends it across the Washington Mall in the direction of the White House. As it is very difficult to judge size from the ground, there are frantic warnings flying all over the capital; the President and his family are rushed into the basement bomb shelter; hundreds of overweight and panting White House employees are seen scurrying away from the building, clutching pictures of their relatives and small cactii in pots. On the roof, the anti-aircraft batteries have their concealing air conditioner covers ripped off and the weaponry manned and ready. The approaching small plane is spotted and the roof erupts like Mt. Etna, showering all areas east of the building with exploding shells and rockets. The plane, too small a target for the anti-aircraft barrage, clips a tree in the White House grounds, flips up and crashes. Since the owner filled the fuselage with plastic bags of milk sugar, there is white powder scattered all over the grounds. Twenty three people, including seven in a special-needs school bus, are killed by falling anti-aircraft rockets and later, lumbering men in hazmat suits spend hours cleaning up the harmless milk sugar. In the White House, a livid and still trembling President and many right-wing Senators are blaming the Canadians and the President declares sanctions against that country while in Saskatchewan, a flight of US jet fighters obliterates the town of Moose Junction, killing all the inhabitants, because absolutely accurate information from the CIA has indentified it as a hotbed of anti-US resistance. And to add insult to injury, American troops pour out of attack helicopters and land on remote Canadian northern islands, in clear defiance of Canadian objections. Unfortunetely, a large mass of starving polar bears attack and eat many of the Champions of Liberty and American Justice and survivors are gang-raped by Eskimo tribesmen. And by Presidential Order, all RC aircraft are declared illegal, milk sugar cannot be bought without a government permit and new sanctions also include Canadian bacon.